Is it Time to Divorce? The Smart Way to Decide if NOW is the Right Time

There’s never a good time to do hard or painful things - like clean the garage, run an ultra-marathon, get a root canal … or get a divorce. But, when you know deep inside yourself that your marriage is in serious trouble, and you can’t remember the last time you were happy, it’s natural to wonder whether it may be time to divorce.

The problem, of course, is that deciding to divorce is no ordinary decision.  It’s not like you are trying to make up your mind about what to have for dinner. Trying to figure out whether your marriage is over is complicated, emotional, and messy on every level.  

It’s also wildly disruptive.

Deciding to divorce means turning your entire world upside down.

It’s no wonder then that so many people convince themselves that “now” is just not the right time to divorce.

The problem is that usually "timing" is not the real problem.

Sure, there ARE times when getting a divorce will be harder on you and your family than others. Yet, most of the time, convincing yourself that “now” isn’t the right time to divorce is a just brilliant way of avoiding the question of whether you should get a divorce or not.

So how do know whether your real problem is the TIMING of your divorce? And how do you figure out when the real problem is that you’re in denial about what to do with your marriage?

Is There Ever a “Right” Time to Divorce?

Before you can figure out if "timing" is your problem, you've got to acknowledge one thing:

There is NEVER going to be a “perfect” time to end your marriage. That's because the little voice in your head is always going to be able to find reasons why getting divorced RIGHT NOW is a bad idea.

For example, the voice in your head may nag at you because ...

... you don’t have a job. Or maybe you just got a job and you need to focus on your job, not on a divorce.  Or maybe the problem is that your job is going so well, and you’re making so much money right now, that you worry you’ll get taken to the cleaners if you get divorced.

The voice in your head might also target your kids. It may tell you that ...

... your kids are too young for you to divorce.  Or maybe your kids are too old and you don’t want them to have to change schools. Or maybe you’re afraid that if you get divorced now you will ruin your kids’ lives and they’ll hate you forever!

If you don’t have kids the voice in your head may focus on your home. It may remind you that ...

... you just bought your house and if you sell it now you’ll lose money. Or maybe you’ve owned your house forever and, consequently, it will need a ton of work before you can sell it. Or maybe you’ve been told that the market is bad and you’ll never get a fair price if you sell your house right now.

No matter who you are or what your circumstances may be, you can ALWAYS find a ton of excuses about why getting divorced right now doesn’t make sense.

The problem is, staying together right now might not make sense either. More importantly, staying together may be making you miserable.

How Do You Decide When to End Your Marriage?

When you are trying to figure out whether you should get a divorce, you will often find your mind throwing up roadblocks to divert you from the question. So, you start by thinking, “Should I get a divorce?” and your mind says, “What? Wait! You can’t get a divorce now! You’ve got a family vacation planned in two months!”

So, you tuck the question of whether you should divorce into the back of your mind and make a mental note to think about it again later. But, after your vacation is over, something else comes up. And then, something more comes up. And on and on it goes. Meanwhile, you are getting more frustrated, more unhappy, and more dissatisfied with your life.

Eventually, at some point, your psyche just can’t take it anymore. That’s when you find yourself exploding like a water balloon being filled from a fire hose. That’s when your spouse does some little thing to annoy you, and you find yourself screaming, for no apparent reason, “I want a divorce!”

Usually, when that happens, it’s at the worst possible time.

How Not to Explode

The key to maintaining your sanity, and to getting divorced at the least bad time possible, is to do some serious soul-searching as soon as you realize that maybe you might want a divorce.

How do you do that?

Sometimes, the best way to find the answer to a question, particularly a huge “change-your-life-forever” question, is to start by asking yourself more questions. (Yes, I know it sounds crazy. Stay with me here. This actually works.)

Here are 18 questions you can ask yourself to help you figure out whether and when you should divorce. (HINT: It will also help if you physically write down your answers to the questions!)

These Questions Can Help You Decide If It’s Time to Divorce

1. Is your spouse physically abusive?

If the answer to this question is “yes,” then you’ve already answered the question of whether you should get a divorce. You've also answered the question of when you should get a divorce. The answer is: You need to get divorced as soon as you can do so safely.

Getting out safely, however, can be tricky. Your best bet is to work with professionals who specialize in domestic violence. They can guide you so that you and your kids can get out of your situation in the safest way possible.

2. Is your relationship toxic?

Toxic relationships may not be physically abusive, but they are mentally and emotionally abusive. In many ways, that's just as bad, if not worse.

If your relationship with your spouse is so bad that it has become toxic, then you need to either get professional help to turn it around or get ready to walk away. Now.

3. Is your spouse having an affair that s/he refuses to end?

When you first discover that your spouse is having an affair, ending your marriage may seem like a no-brainer. Yet when you actually start to move along the path to divorce, and you look at your kids, and you realize how much your life will change if you get a divorce, most people pause.

They consider going to marriage counseling. They try to fix their marriage and heal from the infidelity and betrayal of the affair. Yet, unless whoever had the affair is willing to end it, your marriage will never be able to heal.

4. Have you done everything you can to try to save your marriage?

If, like most people, you take your marriage vows seriously, you are going to want to make sure you tried everything you could to save your marriage before you get divorced. Talk to your spouse. Work on your issues. Try go make things better.

If you throw in the towel on your marriage without being satisfied that you did everything you could to save it, you may regret your decision later. You'll also probably have to deal with a tremendous amount of guilt, too.

5. Have you tried marriage counseling?

Marriage counseling is not a magic bullet that saves every marriage. But getting professional help can often make an enormous difference in your marriage. If you haven’t tried marriage counseling, you haven’t tried everything to save your marriage.

(Of course, if your spouse won’t go to marriage counseling, you can’t force him/her to do so. Yet, you’d be surprised at the number of spouses who said they would NEVER go to marriage counseling, scrambling to find a marriage counselor once they know you’re serious about divorce. Either way, getting individual counseling for yourself can be a Godsend … at least for you!)

6. Do you know in your heart that your marriage is over?

Sometimes, you just KNOW your marriage is over. You may not be able to explain how or why. But you just KNOW.

If, deep down, you know your marriage is over, then give yourself permission to end it now. You don’t have to spend the next 10 years proving to yourself that you were right. Do what you need to do and do it as compassionately and quickly as possible.

7. Do you find yourself thinking about divorce a lot?

Happily married people don’t spend a ton of time thinking about divorce. They don’t fantasize about what their life would be like if they weren’t married. They don’t scour social media trying to reconnect with their former flames “just to see what they’re up to.”

If you find yourself doing any of those things, that may be a sign that you are already leaning toward divorce.  While that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ready to get a divorce right now, it may mean that you need to start examining your marriage and working to either save it or leave it.

8. Are you ready to divorce?

While you will never be 100% prepared for divorce, you will make your life much easier if you prepare yourself in advance before you pull the plug on your marriage.

Make sure you have some kind of a plan for where you will live, and how you will support yourself. Educate yourself. Organize yourself. Get copies of your financial documents. Talk to an attorney. Prepare yourself as much as possible for the storm that’s about to come.

9. Can you afford to get divorced?

How are you going to pay for your divorce? How are you going to pay your bills during your divorce? Do you need to save some money first, before you start your divorce? Can you borrow some money from someone?  

If money is tight, are you willing to do some of the legwork in your divorce yourself to save money? If so, what have you done so far to prepare yourself for divorce? (See Question #8.)

10. Are your kids stable?

Just like there’s never a good time for you to get a divorce, there’s never “the perfect” time for your kids to live through your divorce either. But, some times are better than others.

If your kids are dealing with a serious illness, throwing a divorce into the mix may be more than either of you can handle right now. The same is true if your kids are acting out, doing drugs, or behaving badly in school. If any of those things are true you may want to wait until they are stable before you start your divorce.

11. Is your spouse physically sick?

If your spouse is recovering from an illness or an injury, you may want to maintain the status quo until your spouse is back on his/her feet. (… unless, of course, you don’t mind feeling horribly guilty for leaving your spouse when s/he was sick!)

On the other hand, if your spouse is chronically ill, you may not want (or be able) to wait until s/he recovers before you move forward with a divorce. The same may be true if your spouse has a substance abuse issue. In those cases, you may need to move forward with your divorce even though your spouse may not be functioning at 100%.

12. Does your spouse have a job?

Filing for divorce right after your spouse has lost his/her job is generally not a great financial decision. Not only will your spouse’s unemployment make money even tighter during your divorce, but you may be facing alimony/maintenance/spousal support issues you wouldn’t have faced if you had gotten divorced while your spouse was working.

If your spouse is usually employed but doesn’t have a job at the moment, you might want to wait until s/he is working again before you file for divorce. (Of course, if your spouse is chronically unemployed, waiting for him/her to find a job could mean you stay married forever. That may not be your best option either.)

13. Are there financial reasons for getting divorced now?

If your spouse doesn’t always have a job, but s/he is employed right now, then moving forward now might make financial sense. If your elderly parents are in ill health and may die soon, leaving you a big inheritance, getting divorced now will make that money a non-issue in your divorce. (Yes, you can keep it separate even if you are still married, but this is simpler.)

Other financial reasons for divorcing sooner rather than later exist if your spouse is a spendthrift or has a serious gambling addiction. If your spouse is spending or losing money in droves, then staying together will only drag both of you down a financial rabbit hole.

14. Are there financial reasons for waiting to get divorced?

Just as there are financial reasons for getting divorced right now, there can be financial reasons for staying together right now. For example, if your current financial situation is a mess, you might want to take some time to save some money or pay down some debt before you get divorced. If you’re in school right now and your spouse is helping pay the bills, getting divorced right now may not make financial sense.

Thinking about these things may sound cold and calculating. Maybe it is. But, at the same time, it’s also realistic. If you want a divorce, but can’t pay your bills unless you stay married, it helps to know that. Once you admit your reality to yourself, you can either start working to put yourself in a more stable place financially, and/or you can start working on your marriage to make it better now.

15. What will you give up if you don’t get divorced now?

Divorce is full of uncertainty. It’s full of risk and it’s full of pain. Enough of your friends and neighbors have been through it by now to be able to tell you – in minute detail – all the things that will suck if you get a divorce. (And on the off chance that you don’t know anyone who’s ever gotten a divorce, a quick Google search will easily get you up to speed on how difficult divorce can be.)

Yet, staying in an unhappy marriage has a price too. What dreams are you delaying because you are staying married? How much of your life are you willing to put on hold while you just “exist?” What will you give up, or not be able to do, if you DON’T get divorced now?

16. Are there solid reasons to wait to get divorced until some time in the future?

This is the flip-side of Question #15. Do you have things going on in your life right now that would make getting a divorce more difficult, painful or complicated?

For example, maybe one of your kids is getting married soon, and going through a divorce while they’re getting married will make their wedding awkward or uncomfortable. Maybe your parents are sick and you just don’t have the emotional bandwidth to take care of them AND get a divorce at the same time. Or maybe there are other reasons why delaying your decision to divorce makes sense.

17. Can you handle staying married for another _____?

If you’re ready to get divorced now but are unwilling or unable to pull the trigger at the moment, can you deal with the status quo for another (fill in the blank amount of time)? What will you do if nothing changes? What will you do if things take a turn for the worse?

Are you willing to stay in a loveless marriage for the indefinite future? What will it cost you in time, energy, money, vitality, and self-esteem to stay in a marriage that’s over? More importantly, can you keep yourself from exploding because you’re unhappy, and making everything worse?

18. Are there legal reasons for divorcing now or later?

Depending upon where you live, the timing of your divorce might matter.

For example, certain states have maintenance/alimony formulas that are based in part upon how long you have been married. Or maybe you signed a prenuptial agreement that requires you to stay married for a certain length of time or face certain financial consequences. Either way, you would be wise to talk to a divorce lawyer to find out whether there are any legal ramifications of divorcing now versus later BEFORE you make any decisions.

The Illusion of Finding the “Perfect” Time

There will never be a perfect time to divorce. You will never be totally comfortable with your decision. You will always have some doubts about whether you are doing the right thing. And you will always second guess yourself about whether you did the right thing right now.

All of that is normal. It’s human.

But, if you know in your heart that you should get divorced, yet you find yourself unable to move forward because you’re waiting for the “right time” to do it, remember this much: putting off your decision IS a decision.

When is the right time for you to divorce? If you answer these questions honestly, you’ll know.

_________

This blog was originally posted on January 4, 2017, and updated on October 5, 2020.