I Want a Divorce But My Husband Doesn’t: Am I Stuck?

I want a divorce but my husband doesn’t.  I have been unhappy for years. I’ve tried to talk to him. No response. I tried to get him to go to marriage counseling. He said okay, but never went. I told him I was going to a divorce lawyer. He was upset at first, but now acts like nothing has changed. I am beside myself!  I know that getting a divorce is the right thing to do. But, my husband is making this so hard! He got the divorce papers, but won’t open them. He refuses to show up in court. My lawyer says I can get divorced without him, but I feel so guilty! I know he is going to blame me for everything. What do I do?

My heart went out to this woman. It's bad enough to have to say, "I want a divorce but my husband doesn't." But, when your spouse refuses to acknowledge or participate in your divorce, moving forward becomes infinitely more difficult. Not only do you have the burden of doing all the work in your divorce yourself, but you have to deal with the added guilt of looking like “the bad guy” while your spouse portrays himself as the innocent victim. That is not a position most people would want to be in.

Divorcing a Reluctant Spouse

Let me first start by saying that there is a big difference between divorcing someone who doesn’t want a divorce, but will go along with it because he has no choice, and divorcing someone who won’t participate in the divorce at all. The former is sad. The latter is infuriating ... and not very smart! If your spouse won’t do anything in your divorce, then settling your case amicably becomes impossible. You can’t settle with someone who won’t come to the table and talk. You can’t make a written agreement with someone who won’t sign the divorce papers. While you may think that your spouse’s stubborn refusal to participate in your divorce will allow you to do whatever you want in your case (after all, he’s not going to be there to object, right?!), the truth is, you can’t. Even if your spouse doesn’t show up, the judge is charged with making sure that every divorce judgment follows the law and is reasonably fair. So, while your spouse's absence might enable you to structure your divorce in a way that benefits you, don’t think you will be able to get away with giving yourself everything while your spouse gets nothing. The judge probably won’t let you do that.

Your Spouse’s Behavior is Going to Limit Your Options

If your spouse won’t engage in your divorce, then your only option for ending your marriage will have to be to go to court. Mediation will be a waste of time because your spouse won’t participate. Collaborative divorce won’t work. You will have to litigate your divorce. That means that, unless you have no money, no property, and no kids, you are going to need a lawyer. Once you get a lawyer on board, you are going to have to file for divorce and have your husband served with divorce papers. If he refuses to appear in court, your lawyer will have to default him for failing to appear. The lawyer will probably have to appear in court a few more times while the judge gives your husband every possible chance to participate in what's happening. Eventually, though, the judge will grant you a divorce by default. All of this will take time and cost money.

The Perils of Divorcing a Reluctant Spouse

While you might think that divorcing someone who refuses to show up will make everything so much easier, often times the opposite is true. Every divorce requires you to produce a certain amount of financial information.  If you can't collect all of the necessary information yourself, you are in for a long, drawn-out divorce. Since you can’t get information from your spouse, you are going to have to get it from third parties. You will have to subpoena records directly from banks, credit card companies, and financial institutions. Doing that takes time and costs money. If you need information that only your spouse can give, and your spouse ignores your requests to come clean with financial documents, you may have to ask the judge to hold him in contempt of court. That is going to make you look and feel like even more of a jerk. If a judge holds your husband in contempt of court, and he still continues to refuse to produce the information that the court requires, he may end up being thrown into jail for a while. Your husband (and probably your kids) are going to view that as being your fault. Meanwhile, your husband’s continued refusal to acknowledge and deal with your divorce is going to cost you time and money and make you feel angry, frustrated, and incredibly guilty.

How Can I Deal with the Guilt I Feel Because I Want a Divorce but My Husband Doesn’t?

Feeling guilty is, unfortunately, a natural part of divorce. You promised to stay with someone until death, and now your marriage is ending and you are both still alive. By deciding to divorce you feel like you broke up your family. Your husband's behavior adds to your guilt because anyone can see that HE didn't want this divorce. So, you feel like the divorce is your fault. Obviously, your husband can’t be to blame ... or can he? You may be the person who is finally pulling the plug on your marriage, but I can tell you from decades of experience in working with divorcing people that you are not the only one who caused your marriage to fail. You and your spouse both had a hand in that. Yes, one of you may have done more to damage your marriage than the other. But, if you look back at your marriage objectively, chances are that you will see that both of you let things slide that you should have addressed. Both of you did things that, in hindsight, you can see hurt your marriage. It doesn’t matter who starts the divorce. Both of you caused your marriage to fail. Allowing yourself to believe that you, and you alone, caused your divorce is shouldering a burden that is not yours to bear. Your husband is not an innocent victim of your divorce. Quite the contrary. Your husband’s passive behavior does not make him a saint. What he is really doing is trying his best to manipulate and control you. He is not being passive. He is being passive-aggressive. Your husband may not be arguing with you in words, but he is fighting with you through his behavior. Especially if you are the type of person who is sensitive to guilt, this kind of fighting can work extremely well.

Divorcing a Reluctant Spouse Means You Have to Be Stronger

When you want a divorce but your husband doesn’t, you have to be strong enough to get yourself through the divorce process while (literally) dragging him along behind you all the way. In order to do that, you have to approach your divorce a little bit differently.

5 Tips for Divorcing a Reluctant Spouse

1. Assume you will be handling your divorce on your own.

If your husband won't even acknowledge that you're getting a divorce, you can't expect him to help with anything. He won’t. That means you have to figure out your divorce yourself. It also means you have to do all of the legwork for your divorce yourself. You're going to have to hire a lawyer. You're going to have to gather all of the appropriate financial information AND decide what will happen with the kids. What's more, you're going to have to figure out how you are going to pay for the divorce and survive afterward. Yes. Having to do all of that yourself will suck. But the sooner you can lean into the "suck" and start dealing with it, the sooner you will move forward.

2. Assemble your divorce team as soon as you can.

You're already having to do the work of two people in your divorce. Trying to do all of that AND manage the technical end of your divorce would be crazy. Who should be on your divorce team? You will definitely need a good divorce lawyer. Trying to navigate the legalities you need to manage to get divorced from a reluctant spouse is no small job. It's best done by a lawyer. You also may need a financial adviser. And you will definitely need a therapist.

3. Get help for your kids now.

If your husband won't get out of denial about your divorce, he's probably also not going to do anything to help your kids deal with the situation either. Unfortunately, hat will make your divorce harder on your kids. Because of that, another professional you might want on your divorce team is a child psychologist. While hopefully your spouse will take the high road and try to shield the kids from the worst of your divorce, you have to assume that he is not going to do that. He may try to recruit the kids to “be on his side” and feel sorry for him. He may try to get them to be angry or upset with you. If he's successful, they may start acting out, or doing poorly in school Getting professional advice on how you can deal with this right from the start, is a great idea. Do it now.

4. Expect that you are going to be “the bad guy.”

One of the primary "benefits" your spouse will get by not participating in your divorce is to be able to say that he didn't want the divorce. You did. Therefore, everything about your divorce will be YOUR fault. It doesn’t matter if that’s not true. (Sorry!) It doesn’t matter that it’s not fair. Your husband is going to paint himself as the victim. You will be the evil person who destroyed his happy home. If you don’t know whether you can deal with that, hire a therapist now. That will help.

5.  Prepare for a marathon, not a sprint.

When your husband doesn't want a divorce but you do, your divorce will take longer and cost more than a "normal" divorce. (Sorry. But divorcing someone who is purposely dragging their feet is always more involved than divorcing someone who will go along with the program.) Before you start the divorce process, make sure you are as prepared as you can possibly be. Take the time to educate yourself about divorce. Learn how the process works and what you need to do to get through it. Put together your divorce team. If you can, find yourself a divorce support group. You might not be “doing battle” in the traditional sense, but you will be fighting to get through your divorce nonetheless. The more you (and your kids) are ready for what lies ahead, the better you will all do. Overall, if you find yourself saying, “I want a divorce but my husband doesn’t,” and you know your husband will flat out refuse to participate in your divorce, take heart. The road ahead of you may be longer than it is for others. It may be bumpier and a bit more expensive. But, if you stay the course, you can still get through your divorce and end up in a much better place. ___________